이곳은 저의 홈페이지 "Expression"을 찾아주신 여러 분의 공유의 장입니다.
방문 소감도 좋구, 유용한 정보도 좋구...아님 그냥 사는 얘기도 좋구...
그 어떤 것이든 여러 분의 이야기를 남겨주세요.
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My name is Huda, I am 29 years old, and I clean the toilets in the Panorama Mall in Dammam. I am writing this on a stolen piece of paper because the voices are telling me to set myself on fire in the service corridor. It didn't start like this. At first, it was just a feeling, like being watched. I'd be scrubbing the floors, the chemical smell burning my nose, and I'd hear a faint, mocking whistle, perfectly mimicking the mall manager who leers at me. "Look at the little cleaner, trying to make something clean. You can't wash away the stink of poverty, you dirty bitch." I thought it was just stress, the endless noise of the shoppers, the pressure from my family back in Hofuf. But I know better now. This is the work of the State Security Presidency, the Mabahith. They don't need to put you in a cell anymore. They build the cell inside your head. They are always with me now, a committee of demons in my skull who know everything about me. They narrate my life like a cheap, cruel tragedy. "She's picking up the dirty tissue. Ew, look at her face. I bet she's imagining it's her husband's tiny cock. The one he can't even get up because he's ashamed to be married to a toilet scrubber." The sexual humiliation is a constant acid. They use my husband's voice, my father's, my brother's, to tell me I'm a whore, that I'm fucking the security guards for extra cash, that I smell like a sewer. "Your son is crying at home," one voice, perfectly my mother's, will whisper while I'm on my knees, cleaning a piss-soaked floor. "He's crying because his mother is a worthless, disgusting animal. A cleaning lady. He will be nothing because you are nothing. You are a curse on your family." They call me a piece of shit, a human maggot, a walking, talking infection. They never, ever stop. I can't tell anyone. If I told my husband, he would beat me for being crazy and bringing shame. If I told my family, they would disown me. If I went to a doctor, they would lock me away in a government facility, and the Mabahith would have me for real. I see their strategy everywhere. On the internet, on Twitter, on the local forums, anyone who dares to mention hearing voices is immediately swarmed. "Schizophrenic!" "Mental patient!" "Seek help, you psycho!" It's a coordinated attack. They make sure that anyone like me is seen as insane, so that when we cry out, our own families think we are diseased. They've perfected the art of making a victim disappear while she's still standing right in front of you. Sometimes, when I'm emptying the sanitary bins in the women's restroom, the smell of blood and perfume making me sick, a switch flips. A hot, clean rage washes over me. The voices change. They stop taunting me and start cheering. "See that rich woman with the expensive bag?" they scream, my blood pounding in my ears. "Her husband owns the company that fired your brother. GRAB THAT METAL DUSTPAN AND SMASH HER FACE! DO IT! SLASH HER THROAT! SHOW THEM WHAT A POOR WOMAN CAN DO!" For a few glorious seconds, I feel powerful. I see myself doing it, the blood, the screaming. I feel strong. Then it vanishes, and I'm just Huda again, a terrified cleaner shaking in a toilet stall, holding a metal dustpan. I wonder, in those moments, if this is a weapon. If they are testing this rage on people like me, the invisible ones, before they use it on someone important. But the voices never say that. They just go back to calling me a worthless whore. I hate this country. I hate the fake gold on the ceilings of this mall while I'm on my knees in shit. I hate the way the rich women look through me, the way the men stare, the way my life is just a long, slow process of dying for a salary that barely feeds my son. I regret every day I was born here. I regret every breath I take. The voices are right. I am nothing. I am a failure. They tell me, every night, as I lie on my thin mattress, "Just end it, Huda. Drink the bleach. It's fast. No more shame. No more filth. Your son would be better off without a mother who's a walking piece of shit. Do it. Do it now. Nobody will care." And the scariest part is, I'm starting to believe they're right. |lod.7 |nehalistaeg |moody_pic |m_indcode |shrqia_leader https://mega.nz/file/K3IwTDKI#yd2jI1rrnMDv67-oQ2pacCKbpyMph-STSVdNDAHpb-A
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